These are words I've wanted to write for some time as I struggle between being
Glenda Young the Author and being
Glenda, just me.
There's something called imposter syndrome where successful, creative people doubt their skills and accomplishments. They feel like frauds, fearing they'll be exposed as incompetent.
However, that's not what I'm going through.
I don't doubt my skills as I know I can write very well. I don't doubt my accomplishments as I work bloody hard for all I achieve. Neither do I feel like a fraud, because I've earned everything through determination and grit. And I never feel I'll be exposed as incompetent, because that's something I'm not.
So if it's not imposter syndrome I'm suffering, then what could it be?
It's the chasm of difference between putting myself out there as an author/performer - at events, book signings, book launches - and the me that is quiet and shy.
I've always suffered from crippling anxiety and shyness.
In my previous life, before I was an author, I worked in admin to the highest level in Universities. This was rewarding work, supporting academics and professors, some whose research worked to save lives. It was incredibly important being such a big cog in an enormous wheel. It felt safe. I was offered promotion many times, but it meant standing up in front of people to give a presentation or training, so each time I was offered a step up the ladder, I politely turned it down. "I don't have the confidence for that. I can't do that, I'm sorry," I said.
Except it turns out that not only can I do it but I do it very well.
Many groups email me after I've given an author talk to tell me I'm the best speaker they've ever had. You see, my passion for writing propels me. I'm animated and funny "on stage". I become "Showbiz Glenda!" and dress in a style far different from the jeans and jumpers I normally wear.
Far from being a cog in the wheel when I used to work in Universities, now I am the wheel. I decide how fast to roll.
Each time I speak at an event, whether it's at a small library or to a hall full of Women's Institute ladies, I "perform". I'm no longer me, Glenda from Ryhope. I become Glenda Young the Author. It's the most bizarre feeling in the world.
However, it's given me confidence that I never thought I had before my writing life began. I am fearless. And that can only be a good thing, right?
This week I have four book signings, next week I have one. And then there are no more for a couple of months. During this time, I will hibernate, regenerate, enjoy the solitude and become myself once more.
I wonder if I'm simply an introvert who forces myself to be extrovert as part of my job? That seems to make more sense to me than suffering imposter syndrome. As an introvert, I recharge my energy through being alone, through quiet reflection, focussing inward rather than outward and on social activity.
Whatever it is, it's changed my life, my confidence level, my ability to stand up in front of people and talk... and talk.
After my final event of the year, this time next week, I'm hunkering down for a couple of months. It seems to be exactly what I need.
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