All The Things You Need to Know About Me

I originally wrote this for a writing competiton inspired by a picture of a ventriloquist dummy (which I've always found eerie).  Anyway, I wasn't placed in the competition. What to do? Instead of sticking it away in my sock drawer, the piece now lives and breathes on my blog.

All The Things You Need to Know About Me

1. I’m a Strictly Come Dancing fan
2. I wish I could fly right up to the sky but I can’t (I can’t)
3. I’m in a lawsuit with Orville
4. I’ve been proposed to three times; twice by the same woman and once by a man in a smoky back room of a Turkish brothel
5. See my hair? I’ve got matching collar and cuffs, in case you’re curious
6. You’re curious, aren’t you?
7. I voted Brexit. Too many foreigners coming over here, putting words into my mouth
8. I wish I’d never voted Brexit.
9. I love the smell of napalm in the morning
10. I don’t drink as much geer as I used to. I’m down to three gottles a day
11. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
12. I went to the doctor. I said ‘Doctor, I feel like I’m a pair of curtains’
13. I don’t like reggae
14. I love it
15. I shot the sheriff
16. I am not your homie
17. IamwhatIamandwhatIamneedsnoexcuses
18. When I sit on his knee he fiddles with me when he thinks no one is looking
19. There are more than 19 things on this list
20. I am the one and only
21. I am not Chesney Hawkes
22. I have never liked my nose
23. Does my bum look big in this list?
24. You’re wondering what I’m doing here, aren’t you?
25. So am I
26. I’d like to escape through that window behind me.
27. These shoes hurt my bunion
28. I’ve had lots of partners in this business
29. I’ve not liked any of them
30. I had a friend once, called Eric
31. I applied to go on this year’s Strictly Come Dancing but they never replied
32. I got an audition for the X Factor though
33. I met that Lord Charles puppet once
34. And I met Spit the Dog
35. Amateurs, the lot of them
36. When I sit on his knee he fiddles with me when he thinks no one is looking
37. I gave up social media when the death threats began
38. I’m Android, not Apple
39. I can’t afford Apple
40. I want to break free
41. I want to break hearts
42. I’ve just broken wind
43. I’d like to be a hipster, but I can’t grow a beard
44. I am not your bitch
45. I would do anything for love. Yup, even that
46. I heart Shakin’ Stevens. Always have, always will
47. Whoops. Typo there. I bloody hate Shakin’ Stevens
48. I kissed a girl and I liked it
49. I love you
50. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with Y
51. You’re wondering what I can see, aren’t you?
52. I want my MTV
53. When I sit on his knee he fiddles with me when he thinks no one is looking

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I'm on twitter @flaming_nora